"I don’t know how to let go.." How to Have Fun When You're an Adult

If you don't know how to have fun then you're not alone. This is something I often hear in therapy and it can reveal a lot about unmet childhood needs.

The Missing Language of Play

Some adults never really learned how to play. I'm not referring to the structured kind like like piano lessons or sports practice, but the spontaneous, silly, curious kind. The kind where there’s no end goal and no productivity points to win.

For many of my clients, play wasn’t safe. Their home environments may have been unpredictable, emotionally intense, or simply too tightly focused on productivity. In those settings, play got shut down or was forbidden. Not because the child was doing anything wrong - but because it didn’t fit the environment.

Common reasons I hear in therapy include:

• A parent’s mood was too volatile; playfulness felt risky.

• Mess or noise created anxiety in the household.

• Productivity or achievement was always the priority.

• They were told to “calm down” or “stop being silly.”

  
  

And so, play became something to avoid. Something shameful or unsafe. Over time, these children grew into adults who still carry that legacy in their nervous systems.

Why This Matters for Burnout

You might wonder: What does childhood play have to do with adult stress?

A lot, actually.

From a polyvagal perspective, play is a blended nervous system state. It requires the mobilised energy of the sympathetic system (the one that gets us moving), combined with the safety of the ventral vagal system (our “social engagement” wiring that helps us feel calm, connected, and curious).

When you play, you practice moving between states - activating and deactivating stress responses. You develop the neural flexibility that later helps you shift out of anxiety, let go of tension, and come back to calm. You learn that it’s safe to feel excited without it tipping into panic (which can look like self-attack) or overdrive.

I remember a moment from my own life that captures this perfectly. I was playing catch with my three-year-old daughter. She was giggling, running, clearly in a joyful blended state- her body mobilised with energy (sympathetic activation), but underpinned by safety and connection (ventral vagal regulation).

Then something shifted. I chased her a bit too enthusiastically, and I saw it in her eyes: a flash of fear. Her system flipped into amber mode- still mobilised, but now without the safety net of green mode online. She shuddered and tearfully shouted, “Stop! I don’t like it!”

So I scooped her up and cuddled her close. Within seconds, her breathing slowed, her body softened, and she melted into me with a sigh. Her nervous system had downshifted safely-and that is vagal toning in action.

Moments like this, repeated over time, teach the body it’s safe to move between excitement and calm. They build the internal wiring we all rely on later in life to manage stress, shift gears, and recover from intensity.

Without these early experiences, the nervous system doesn’t get good at downregulating. And that makes adults more prone to chronic stress and burnout.

Other Costs of Play-Deprivation

Many high-functioning, hardworking adults feel trapped in a loop of over-responsibility. They tell me:

• “I can only relax if everything else is done.”

• “I feel guilty if I take time off just to enjoy myself.”

• “I don’t even know what I really enjoy outside of work.”

  
  

These aren’t failures on their part. They’re nervous systems are doing what they learned to do: stay on high alert, stay useful, stay safe by staying productive. As such they remain in 'On' mode all the time.

But eventually, that system breaks down. It stops resetting. The body remains in a state of chronic mobilization - or collapses into shutdown. That’s when burnout hits hard.

Relearning the Lost Skill of Play

If you never had this kind of play growing up, it’s no wonder your system now struggles to power down. Learning to do this in adult can be difficult at first, difficulties show up as:

Negative beliefs: “This is frivolous.”

Discomfort: “I don’t know how.”

Fear: “This makes me anxious.”

That’s not you failing That’s your nervous system trying to protect you.

Here Are Tips for Getting Started

✅Start small - doodle or listen to a funny podcast

✅Reconnect to childhood favourites, what were you drawn to before it got judged or chut down?

✅Do it badly, on purpose. The goal it's to be good at it, it's to be alive in the moment. Let go of outcome.

✅Follow your fidget: Notice what your hands or body naturally want to do when unwinding - doodle, hum, stretch - that's clue to what you're craving.

✅ Play with others: it's easier to let go with someone. Share a game, walk or craft session with someone else (but ban work or admin chat!).

What Next? Check out my book on burnout which gives more detail about the neuroscience of rest and letting go.